This will be the final post I make on the Great Spiritual Confusion I’ve been dealing with. Yeah, it’s finally been resolved, and… well, it’s an answer, and at this point that’s something, even if the answer itself may not be a welcome one.
Truth be told, I’m not very surprised by it. It’s what I’ve known in those quieter moments, between the (forced) elation of new discovery and the crushing disappointment when said discovery didn’t work out; it’s what I think I’ve spent the last three years slowly coming to terms with in the back of my mind, behind this frantic level of activity, this endless attempt to fix what seemingly can not be fixed. I won’t say it didn’t hit me hard, because it did and still is, but all those years I spent rehearsing this moment likely cushioned the blow at least a little.
So I got to another really low point in March where I did officially give up. It was nothing special, just another round of the same, but one can only fall down so many times before you wonder what’s the point in getting up again, I’m just going to end up right back here. My reserves had all run out, my mind had long since hit a dead end and was just cycling through the same few ideas, I was well past the point where I could handle this myself. And so, as a final act of desperation, my room mate tapped the few people she still knows in the community to find someone who can do divination for me.
This was something that was tried a while back, but the results were fairly unimpressive. I may have one or two thoughts about why that was, tentatively as there were a few clarifications on vague wording that I never got – I think it boils down to just the wrong diviner for my purposes. This time we got three different people, I figured if that didn’t help then nothing else would (small note, as I write this I am still waiting on the second part of the reading from person B, but since I don’t think it’s going to contradict anything I say here, or add anything that mind blowing, I’ll go ahead without it).
Person A was not so helpful on a first glance. Don’t get me wrong, she was a talented enough diviner, and managed to come up with a reading that perfectly articulated my problem when she asked for no details ahead of time. Articulate the problem was kind of all it did though, it was a run down of everything I already knew with very vague promises that things will be great once I can get past this blockage, nothing at all about how to get past it. A follow up reading was just as vague.
Looking over it again, I can see all the correct elements were in place, and I can see where the interpretation started to skirt close to the real answer, before pulling up short, veering off into something more broad, more open ended. The diviner just couldn’t be precise enough. It’s more helpful now, lined up along side the other two, filling in a few blanks, than it was on its own.
Divination B and C came within a few days of each other. B was short but precise, C was longer but a little cagey on some elements – though said caginess was acknowledged and explained and I understood the reasons for it; it was all the better for me I had two other readings from people who do not have to operate under the same restrictions to help pinpoint which of the propositions given, when imprecision was demanded, was the correct one. Along with my own intuition of course, the knowledge that has been bubbling in my head the last few years, waiting for that confirmation so it could surrender the last shred of hope it had.
Hermes is gone. And he’s been gone for some time. Furthermore, he was never really around the way I thought he was. He might’ve done something to help me out in the beginning (though maybe not, the possibility was raised that it maybe was never Hermes but some other god I didn’t know who was just close enough I made the mistake – that was something person C either couldn’t or wouldn’t say with any certainty, and I’ll never remember something fourteen years ago with that much certainty either) and then immediately bounced out again, only showing up every once in a while to help out on some matter directly in his realm. But that connection, it was never there.
And that’s why the first reading couldn’t tell me what to do to get past the blockage; why person B could only say it’s not about what you’re doing, it’s not that it’s wrong or not enough, there’s just no more progress to be made here. I’m trying to fix something that isn’t there, and never was.
It also sheds light on what’s been going on with the messages I’ve been getting, the broad array of ideas I kept picking up on, kept trying out. I thought maybe it wasn’t real, because of how random it could be, because it never worked out; maybe some of it was just noise or thoughts that wandered into my mind, but a lot of it may have been very real. Whatever natural talent I had for picking up on communication, the kind that got me out of my mother’s house, got curtailed somewhere along the way, when I started questioning it too much, comparing it too much to what others said they were getting. And then my brain got plugged into the bullshit machine, the one that produces a lot of wish fulfillment and bad fantasy fiction reenactments; that may well have happened earlier than I thought, not too surprising, that too close knit cultish group toward the end, they only refined the process they didn’t invent it. But realizing what had happened, getting distance and sorting my head out, I unplugged from the machine and started getting actual messages again; it confused me, been so long you forget what it was like, what it really looks like. They were just beings passing by, someone saying hi for a moment, someone I noticed hanging around more than a few times (and why not, I’ve been a free agent for years now apparently). None of it really meant anything, not anything more than that. And I was too busy staring through a very particular lens to see any of it clearly.
A big part of me is just so fucking angry, about all of this (not a bad thing, not at all; I can work with anger). At whom? I don’t know, lots of things, myself mostly. You really should’ve known, person C more or less said, some of this really should’ve seemed off from the beginning. People around you should’ve known. And yeah, in retrospect, she’s right, for more reasons than she implied, I really should’ve known better. But I didn’t. What happened, I’m not sure; a more mild message that took on greater weight than it ever had, an assumption born, not just by me but the people around me who weaved it into the narrative about how gods and humans relate to one another that feeds into the group mind, becoming an unspoken fact and gradually snowballing out of control, fed through multiple tainted sources, including myself? Sad thing is, I’m probably far from the only person something like this happened to. I wonder how many are stuck right now in the same position and just don’t know it.
In retrospect, how the hell did I keep this going for so long? Where was my natural pessimism that should’ve kicked in long before now? Was it too distracted by disastrous cross country moves and endless social drama, that by the time it was quiet enough for it to focus its energies the idea was too ingrained to be removed by it alone? Where was that pessimism in the very beginning?
For that matter, where was my inherited fatalism? Where was that character flaw that makes me give up and I assume something won’t work out after a very small number of failures? Why did I pick now to embrace the don’t give up, keep on trying, maybe not quite fake it til you make it but close enough to play with the same equipment? The truly maddening thing, if I had just said fuck it after getting too many negative signs, too much radio silence, this clearly isn’t happening, I’m out of here too – if that’s what I had done earlier on, I’d probably be much further along in my own development at this point. The one time I decide to go against my nature, it’s the one time I really shouldn’t have, the one time my every worst character trait would’ve come in handy. I let it drop years and years ago when things started going wrong and I was criticized for it, I came to think the criticism had some merit (which it did, in a very general sense) and I wanted to do better this time – but I was right back then, that was the right move to make, I should’ve stuck with it. Wasted three years, ran myself into the ground, and it was all for nothing.
God damn it. I can legally ditch the family name, can’t escape the family curse. This is just the ultimate kick in the teeth right here. It’s almost funny even.
And now here I am. Anger maybe gives a little bit of life to things, but most of what I was feeling prior to all this is still in play – I’m tired, I’m demoralized, I feel really stupid right now, and I have no idea where to go from here.
Person B explicitly mentioned someone else hanging around, some bond waiting to be realized and developed (Person C could not and would not confirm or deny), but which would only come when I’m not trying for it. Got to say, there is a part of me now that hears that and screams no, wants to slam the door shut on it as hard as I can, vanish into some metaphorical wilderness where nothing can bother me again. I don’t want to make another mistake, I don’t want to go through anything like this again. This was such a miserable, frustrating experience that dragged on a ridiculously long time; I am not interested in round two.
But I know it probably won’t last, and I’ll come around to it in some way. And not just because I’m a socially isolated recluse without a lot else going on, though I can grumble that to myself on the way. Because any thing else I could ever have going on, even if all possibilities were open to me, couldn’t compare to this. Because this arena is where my interests lie, this is my passion, this is the thing that makes life, with all its bullshit, worth enduring, it’s what makes it all mean something. And yeah, in spite of everything that’s happened, deep down I do still think this. It’s still what I care about, still what I want to pursue, still seems the only thing worth doing with my life.
Not that I’m sure just what that latter part actually looks like anymore. It was centered too much around something that turned out to be false. Irritating to think of the amount of time I put into first constructing that image out of pieces of what was around me in the community at the time, separating out the good ideas from the bad and the dangerous and the internet posturing, trying to get some idea of what this would look like in reality (and really not easy to do, no roadmap, no real guidelines and precious few decent role models doing anything even close to what I was looking at); secondly coming to terms with the parts that needed that, the limits I would have to accept and the changes that would need to be made. I get to a point where I’m ready to put it into practice, and little do I know it needs a complete overhaul. The one good point there, I suppose, is the new traditions and perspectives I’ve taken in lately that well deserve to be incorporated since they’ve been helpful in shaking off the final and most deeply ingrained of the bad ideas.
So for those reasons, if someone comes knocking on my door, I probably will answer it in the end (probably won’t go knocking on anyone’s door myself though, at least not now or anytime soon). But I’ll do so with a far more skeptical, cynical eye than I did the first time around; it will likely serve me better in the long run than blind optimism and brain dislodging open mindedness did.
Right now though, I have a few options. I can continue with daily banishing rituals and finding other ways to keep my space protected; I can do better at meditation, I have a few different paths I could take there. I had an occult training course I’d been looking at. I’ve known for a while now there was training I need to have that I never got, I’ve wanted to start on that; what happened here is no reason not to move forward on that plan (if I’m picking up communication again, all the more reason to). I can also sit around feeling miserable, and I’ll probably be doing more than a little of that; letting the reality sink in, letting myself feel stupid for allowing this to get so out of control, and just letting it go, once and for all.
I don’t know about this blog though. It’s history is part of the lie, can it really just transition to a whole new scenario? Would I be better off finding some place new, start over from scratch? Maybe even some place different, this isn’t really the hub it used to be; how many of these blogs get read, much less my insignificant little corner?
Do I really have anything to say any longer? I did once, long ago on Livejournal, but there was more interaction there and that may have been one of its appeals, something I didn’t find here. Of course, things were also just going better for me at the time I was on Livejournal, which hasn’t been the case the whole time I’ve been here; no doubt the mounting problems contributed to my silence, there wasn’t anything to say. Maybe that will change in time as I get back on track, stop throwing myself at obviously dead ends. But will it be worth saying? Is that something I still want or need?
All of those are questions I’ll have to think through. For now, I have my answers at last, and now I’m going to rest awhile.