Yes, indeed I am still alive. Though considering I haven’t touched this blog since November who knows if anyone is even still reading.
There are a few reasons why I have not been around. The one most immediate in my mind is my spiritual life remains in a state of upheaval. I am having more than a little bit of a hard time adjusting myself to my new place in life, to my new relationship with my god and some of the expectations placed on my shoulders. Rather than coming onto my blog and unleashing a stream of self loathing, I dealt with it quietly on my own. Almost every time I think I have made some headway another wave of it comes on. I don’t feel sometimes as though I am cut out to walk the path I see being stretched out before me and I wonder if Hermes has made a mistake in choosing me as a mortal tool and companion.
That was the main reason I have been quiet here. But for the last few weeks, as I contemplated making a post here and shut the site down every time, I realize that there is a second, underlying problem keeping me away from this.
I somewhat regret now that I put my name on this blog when I began it, especially now as I have no real way of knowing who may be reading it, who may have found it. I lived for several years in the Recon community, which was a perfectly fine thing while it lasted but it is something I have outgrown. Its a community I feel more and more distant from, because the way my spiritual life is setting itself up for the foreseeable future it is something very different from what I used to be, very off from that community’s general standards. Its something that could (and has for other people) been cause for hostility.
And it makes me feel reluctant to talk. Because I don’t know how many of my Recon community acquaintances are reading this, and I don’t know how they may react to the things I would have to say now. I have no wish to bring endless drama on to myself, not from those people who have found me offensive in the past and used that as a excuse for harassment, and not from those people who were friendly and may decide that I’m just not who they thought I was anymore.
Am I maybe taking things a little too far? Very likely. So far I’ve had very good luck in discussing my recent spiritual developments even with people not in a similar paradigm themselves, but I also know that’s not going to last. I feel a need to be honest about the reality of things, because honest is what I am and this afraid to speak thing is extremely unnatural and unpleasant for me. I want to break out of this, and I need to break out of this; I get this feeling anyway, if I won’t do it on my own my hand may be forced sooner or later. But I just don’t know how to go about it.
I considered just starting over. Starting a new blog, don’t use my name, and let those attracted to my ideas come and those who aren’t need not be exposed, won’t wander over by accident because they knew me in a previous life. And I may very well still do that. Were it not for the fact that I really like the blog name I made for myself here, and can’t think of anything else as meaningful to me, I probably would have done so already.
If I do keep this one, some massive changes are going to have to be made. I want to be able to speak in peace, to be as honest (or not) as I choose to be.
Today is my second anniversary of being formally dedicated to Hermes. And it is the one year anniversary of him asking me to take up my current vocation. I am more than a little worried what might come up this time around. After this date has passed, I will work on making my decision and do whatever needs to be done.