Dark Night of the Soul brings about needed changes

Yes, indeed I am still alive.  Though considering I haven’t touched this blog since November who knows if anyone is even still reading.

There are a few reasons why I have not been around. The one most immediate in my mind is my spiritual life remains in a state of upheaval.  I am having more than a little bit of a hard time adjusting myself to my new place in life, to my new relationship with my god and some of the expectations placed on my shoulders.  Rather than coming onto my blog and unleashing a stream of self loathing, I dealt with it quietly on my own. Almost every time I think I have made some headway another wave of it comes on.  I don’t feel sometimes as though I am cut out to walk the path I see being stretched out before me and I wonder if Hermes has made a mistake in choosing me as a mortal tool and companion.

That was the main reason I have been quiet here. But for the last few weeks, as I contemplated making a post here and shut the site down every time, I realize that there is a second, underlying problem keeping me away from this.

I somewhat regret now that I put my name on this blog when I began it, especially now as I have no real way of knowing who may be reading it, who may have found it. I lived for several years in the Recon community, which was a perfectly fine thing while it lasted but it is something I have outgrown. Its a community I feel more and more distant from, because the way my spiritual life is setting itself up for the foreseeable future it is something very different from what I used to be, very off from that community’s general standards.  Its something that could (and has for other people) been cause for hostility.

And it makes me feel reluctant to talk. Because I don’t know how many of my Recon community acquaintances are reading this, and I don’t know how they may react to the things I would have to say now. I have no wish to bring endless drama on to myself, not from those people who have found me offensive in the past and used that as a excuse for harassment, and not from those people who were friendly and may decide that I’m just not who they thought I was anymore.

Am I maybe taking things a little too far? Very likely. So far I’ve had very good luck in discussing my recent spiritual developments even with people not in a similar paradigm themselves, but I also know that’s not going to last.  I feel a need to be honest about the reality of things, because honest is what I am and this afraid to speak thing is extremely unnatural and unpleasant for me. I want to break out of this, and I need to break out of this;  I get this feeling anyway, if I won’t do it on my own my hand may be forced sooner or later.  But I just don’t know how to go about it.

I considered just starting over. Starting a new blog, don’t use my name, and let those attracted to my ideas come and those who aren’t need not be exposed, won’t wander over by accident because they knew me in a previous life.  And I may very well still do that. Were it not for the fact that I really like the blog name I made for myself here, and can’t think of anything else as meaningful to me, I probably would have done so already.

If I do keep this one, some massive changes are going to have to be made. I want to be able to speak in peace, to be as honest (or not) as I choose to be.

Today is my second anniversary of being formally dedicated to Hermes. And it is the one year anniversary of him asking me to take up my current vocation. I am more than a little worried what might come up this time around. After this date has passed, I will work on making my decision and do whatever needs to be done.


2 thoughts on “Dark Night of the Soul brings about needed changes

  1. the spiritual path is a difficult one to navigate. One ventures into realms that are not familiar with the ordinary person … and one comes back with insights and knowledge that seem rather strange and bizarre. How to re-integrate back into society? the fact is, one cannot. Or at least, not fully. One has to keep certain matters in the shade, not hiding them as such, but not presenting one’s true opinion on things. One has to mask in order to play the game.

    and yes, being public (even on the web) about spiritual awakenings is difficult. I agree with you about a pseudonym; best to present oneself as an anonymous entity; telling the truth, but without tracibility to the real world. Everyone understands why this is done. And after all, what of the ‘real’ physical form and name? tis an illusion, is it not. Something we have been gifted with for a while, but not true reality, not as we understand such things.

    the dark night of the soul … I’ve been there. When you come out the other end, one feels a deep drive to connect with others that have undergone the same experience. To share, and learn. And then to translate that into positive works for the world.

    I am glad you are thinking this through, expressing it in words.

    one moves forth; and challenges the world and its current paradigns.

    go well, be well, and namaste friend.

  2. Ok, first I just want to reiterate – if you ever want to talk, I’m here. Talk via email, or even talk on the phone. I do have some experience in these matters, both the Work and the self-doubt. If I can help, I will.

    Now, about the name/blog/anonymity stuff…. I guess I would ask, what exactly are you concerned will happen? What is the worst that could happen? Are you just dreading that someone will start harrassing you here on the blog? Are you worried they might take the problem into your real life? I think that identifying the exact nature of the potential problem is a good first step to deciding how to best handle it.

    I have always had my real name out there, attached to everything I do, back when I was a Wiccan, then a Recon, and now a spirit-worker. And yes, there’s been some drama, but not really anything that would’ve been different had I been using a pseudonym. And yeah, I suppose I could start a new website or blog and use a totally new name that wasn’t associated with any of my other names, but it just seems like letting “them” win. I don’t feel like hiding just because there are some jerks out there. I also want people to see that one can start in one place and end up in another, that it’s okay to evolve over time in your spiritual path, and that’s only going to happen if I am open about who I am and what my history is. And overall, I haven’t had all that many problems. Sure, certain morons may still be off in their corner of the internet ranting about me, but I don’t care. I am no longer trying to build a public “persona” online or in real life, I don’t need to worry about my “reputation” as such, so it doesn’t really matter. Anyway, that’s just where I am with these issues at the moment.

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